On the off chance that I ever get to just aimlessly wander my campus I am always taken by how remarkably beautiful it is. I never got to fully experience it when I was taking classes, due to the fact that I was mainly sequestered in my department (theatre is an all encompassing being), but whenever I could I always tried to take aimless/leisurely walks about the campus-if only to soak in it’s natural beauty. It’s one of the only reasons I chose to go to Cal Poly Pomona, and for that reason alone I made the wise decision, because when I do get to take those - much needed - breaths from life and get to stop and stare for a bit I am always left speechless by it’s beauty. It brings me back down to earth and reminds me that there is more to life than my stresses and petty dramas. I love my campus, and I will continue loving it for as long as it stands, because lord knows I wouldn’t have survived in a concrete jungle, so I’m glad I at least got to spend my four (and quarter) years in the throes of a natural environment.
After (admittedly) wallowing in Benedict Cumberbatch clips on Youtube - I could try to explain how my life has come to this, but I don’t even know (I think they call this infatuation, but I think it’s rather disgusting) - I put on my best big girl pants and did some actual work for my show - which is killing me softly. I’m trying to be mature about this whole ordeal (chin up, be strong, whatnot), but this entire ordeal is making me question my place in my profession.
I went so far to interview my mother this weekend about my strengths and talents and whatnot (narcissistic I know, but all for genuine purpose of knowing. And apparently I’ve been very apt with a computer from the age of two, which surprised the hell out of me), which got me nowhere. I want to be in theatre for the rest of my life, and my heart and soul is the damned art, but for whatever reason I’m not sure if it’s what I’m meant to be doing. But I don’t even know where to begin if it’s not. I’m just lost, worn out, and mopey (thanks to the Angry Vagina Monster), and questioning…my enter existence really.
What to do….what to do…
Press on, I suppose, it’s the only thing I can do, really.
Sometimes I look at him and I think of how easy it would’ve been. But then I stop and really think about it and realize that it wouldn’t have been easy at all, because I wouldn’t be happy (not really). And I realize that I’m happier without a relationship that I only long for because I want to be in a relationship, not because I’m in love with him. While it does kind of suck sometimes, as long as everyone I love is happy I can be happy too, and that happiness and that love will find me, and it will be the most awesome love I’ve ever experienced.